Guest Column: Nick the Cabbie – “A is for Africa”
The five girls that are about to get into my taxi don’t look like part of a bachelorette group (mainly because I don’t see any penis-shaped accessories), but they give off that bachelorette vibe. And they’re certainly loud enough. I immediately put my guard up. Many people don’t realize this, but, much like other wild creatures that you don’t want to encounter in large numbers, packs of girls in Las Vegas are dangerous. Like wolves and piranha…or Africanized bees. (And for the sake of this story, right after I put my guard up, I mentally assign them all new names.)
One by one they fall into the cab in a way that screams ‘totally drunk’ and somehow, despite the laughter and the actual screams of “Oh my God, I’m totally drunk!” Alice manages to tell me their destination. For a few more minutes they dwell on an earlier private joke (that surely would not have been funny for a sober person) until Betty suddenly seems to realize that there is a new temporary member in the group. That’s when she blurts at me, “Hey! Are you from Africa?” and before I can even start down that mental path she continues with, “because the last two taxi drivers we’ve had were from Africa.” I find this bit of inductive reasoning slightly amusing and then Carol says, “No, he’s not from Africa…” She trails off in thought and adds, “well…maybe South Africa.”
It seems like the further I drive the louder they get and eventually the alpha female [editors note: I wasn't aware of they existed??], Daphne, yells to the others, “Calm down! I don’t want to have to give this guy an enormous tip.” Elise (the telepathic girl sitting next to me) says, “He’s thinking: ‘don’t calm down…I want an enormous tip.’ ” (I do.) From the back seat Betty shrieks, “I want an enormous tip.” and collapses into a laughing fit, barely able to giggle, “I almost said ‘enormous dick’.” This time Elise drops her voice to speak for me, saying, “The cab driver’s, like: ‘then you got into the right cab, baby.’ ” This seems to imply a correlation between tone of voice and size of package, but since I’m so close to letting them out, I don’t point out her mistake. When I stop the meter Daphne asks, “Are we going to have to pay you?” casually adding, “I only ask because I think Betty is willing to take care of you…”
The End.
[Editor's other note: Please, god, don't let that have been the end... For Nick's sake.]
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