Guest Column: Nick the Cabbie – “Terminated: The Bernie Lomax Chronicles”
There’s a girl throwing up on the floor in the back of my taxi, but the guy with her assures me that it’s no big deal because she doesn’t have anything else left in her stomach. “It’s just a little water,” he tells me. I’ve never kicked a person out of my cab and I’ve never made a customer clean up their own vomit, but I’m pretty sure that if he’s wrong I will unfortunately only be able to choose one of these options. Luckily, (for them as well as me) the ride to their hotel is uneventful. Once outside, the guy puts the high-heeled shoes that he’s been carrying on top of the car in order to free his hands to help the girl get out. And when I say “help the girl get out” what I really mean is “get the girl out with no help”…because she is now completely passed out.
The girl is a tiny little thing, but the guy struggles to extricate her as if she were partially constructed of metal. I suppose she could have a metal endoskeleton, but I seriously doubt that a little bit of alcohol could have incapacitated a robotic assassin from the future. The guy really doesn’t look as weak as this task makes him seem, but that doesn’t influence my decision to refrain from participating… I’m not even going to get into the variety of reasons why I make no effort to help some random guy carry an unconscious girl to a hotel room.
I drive away when he finally grabs her shoes from the roof of the car and kicks the door shut, but I encounter a dead end in the parking lot and have to turn around. When I pass them again it looks something from Weekend at Bernie’s… the guy is unsuccessfully trying to balance the unconscious girl against a car so that he can pick up her shoes. What he needs is a goofy sidekick friend to attempt to help him, but that would probably cause the girl to get bumped around and bruised a bit more. Either way, tomorrow she will know one thing for sure: alcohol is a helluva drug.
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