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A New Level of Insobriety Discovered in Las Vegas

Hotels, Las Vegas, Nevada, Nightlife, Sin City, Vices
Posted June 30th, 2007 by Christopher -

Last night I was walking into Treasure Island from the parking garage when I happened upon what I believe to be a new discovery in the realm of insobriety-while-remaining-mobile. Naturally, if such a discovery were to be made, Las Vegas would be a prime breeding ground for a state of inebriation like this, due to the sheer volume of people that get unbelievably plastered beyond belief here each and every day.

Before last night, even my seasoned, well-alcoholed, professional party person eyes had never seen such an amazing attempt to remain conscious after drinking what most definitely had to have been a heroic amount of ethanol. I’m talking about inebriation at a level that most any mere mortal would have long since been passed out in a bathroom stall somewhere… or worse.

So I walk into the bridge to the casino from the parking garage and as soon as I open the door I see a guy, maybe twenty-nine or thirty years old, doing what I thought was a pathetic, possibly evil attempt at dancing to the music that was playing in the hallway. Okay, I thought that for maybe a millisecond, because I immediately saw him take a misstep that can mean only one of two things: masochistic alcohol consumption or ether… and Hunter S. Thomspon has gone on towards the Great Magnet in the Great Beyond… so alcohol it was.

To the normal flow of foot traffic here, I would have maybe three to five seconds before a passerby would go behind me and I’d no longer be able to observe the beast in action. Something different was at work here. It was almost as though someone had put really heavy, randomly depolarizing magnetic space boots on this guy. His legs would start to go forward and suddenly be yanked backwards to a place further back than where the foot had started. Then a sudden burst of what had to be massive electromagnetic activity from the wall ten feet to his left caused him to take two wild, intriguing steps to the side. He was almost unable to bear the forces acting against him. Almost. This guy had to be attempting to do for alcohol consumption what Chuck Yeager did for the sound barrier. Pushing the envelope, he was…

As I walked closer to our hero and was about to pass, I saw what was really at play here: He had apparently shifted slightly outside of our time continuum. I looked at his face and saw it – he was using his lips to make sure that his right ear was still attached to his head as the forces gripped him, in a way that could only be possible in at least four dimensions. I’ve never seen lips stretch that far. He actually got pretty damn close to his ear. It was valiant effort, anyway. And the craziest thing was that for him, it all seem to be happening in slow motion as I watched. Everyone else was moving in normal time but I watched this guys’ lips and eyes move and contort in the same direction – up and to the right – trying to check for correct ear positioning. Damnedest expression I’ve ever seen on a human’s face that wasn’t being performed by a comedian or on purpose!

As we walked on I was considering the sight that I’d just seen. And then it hit me: This fool was heading to the parking garage and there was something small – key size – in one of his hands!!! In horror I turned around to immediately intervene with a cab ride offer, but he was gone. I remembered that there were security guards in the parking garage, but were up on the level I’d come from and he went straight in, so I hoped for the best and put my faith in the superlative work done by MGM Mirage security. Fair well, ye alconaut. I barely knew ye… or your fears… or your loathing…

So this is how the world works, all energy flows according to the whims of the great magnet.
Hunter S. Thompson

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